Thursday, December 6, 2012

The Latest Word In Sports Nutrition: SPAMé Gel

If you spend many long hours on the road bike in the company of like-minded friends, then you know that conversations can take some unusual turns. Much like the conversations shared on monotonous 20-hour drives with my paddling buddies, riders  end up hashing out the same old political questions, sharing some of their deepest secrets, and telling all of their most tasteless jokes. You know, the ones that are not fit for mixed company or, really, any company for that matter, but, you still laugh your ass off and vow to yourself that you're going to remember it.
It's kind of an unwritten rule that the secrets are forgotten at the end of the ride and that the bad jokes are stashed away only to be shared under some similar circumstances in the future; however, these hours can also be times of revelation and creativity! Jason Warren and I recently shared such a Eureka! moment. Well, maybe it wasn't quite the lightning strike kind of Eureka! moment. It came upon us like the rolling thunder before a spring storm, or perhaps like the sound of the approaching Waste Management truck in the moments before the inevitable crash of the dumpster being emptied below your hotel room window at 6:00AM.
In this case, we were considering the possibilities of melding a popular food item into the over-crowded and over-priced realm of sports nutrition. Let's face facts-- most of us have very little real understanding of long-chain amino acids and the like, but we spend big bucks to support marketing schemes that promise results based on sketchy science and flavored sugar. Let's get real. Get real with SPAMé!

SPAMé Gel: The é gives it an air of sophistication that goes beyond any real science!
The result of our revelation promises to be a popular breakthrough as we shatter the paradigm of sucrose, fructose, and maltodextrin blends by packaging a gelatinous energy food derived from genuine miscellaneous meat products, juiced with caffiene and naturally  high in sodium.
We promise results with  SPAMé! Look for it in your favorite local bike shop or convenience store soon.

Coming soon from the same folks that will bring you SPAMé: Gravy Blocks

Note to Jason: consider name change to Gravée Blocks


Bryan said...

I think I just threw up a little bit in the back of my throat. :p

JBar said...

Like I said, "We promise results!"